[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts