Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
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Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.