[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
#DesignFail
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday