Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
why I oughta
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans