I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?