My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
i dont have time for this
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?