Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
being a writer on Twitter:
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT