[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.