Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Autocorrect completely socks
Lmfao
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.