If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.