Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
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When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Sunday
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.