me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
New tinder profile pic
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
What even happened today?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”