[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator