I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
this article brought to you by lions
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.