I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right