Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.