Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
You Might Also Like
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog