i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Well, this is awkward
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?