*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.