I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!