My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
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Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*