I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me irl
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier