Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You Might Also Like
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
This hospital has everything
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
this chia pet tastes awful
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.