Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people