A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”