nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
You Might Also Like
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
monday
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?