my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.