Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED