CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”