My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.