Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You Might Also Like
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
monday
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile