Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”