Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.