I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
When the stylist spins you back around
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.