Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.