Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
HELP 😭
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.