ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.