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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.