A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
#parenting
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you