Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Strange
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.