ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Oh no
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?