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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me irl
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Not today, today.
Not today.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.