“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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What about a To-Don’t List?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Just had my nails done!
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.