I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
#catsoftwitter
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
cat faces on other animals, a thread