My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?