Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I unironically love this joke.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages