Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
😍😂🥰😂😍
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.