I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*