Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.