[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
We’ve come full circle
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.